Strange how when we are younger all we hope for is to get older and as we get older all we wish for is that we were younger. Yesterday was my 29th birthday each year seems to go by faster and faster. I'm sitting in a hotel room (I spent my birthday at a conference for work) running a fever and anxiously awaiting the end of this conference so I can go home. I have been dreading this birthday for many many months now, not because i think 30 is old and I dread that aspect of it, but because by this time I just expected to have done more with my life, to have been something more. When I say this out loud to my friends I often get yelled at. Yes, I am 29, yes I have completed my first year of my doctoral program, I own two houses, I've been semi-happily married for almost three years now, I have a successful job as a webmaster that I am about to leave for what I hope will be an equally successful job as a faculty member for a community college. When they say those things to me I know that I am suppose to feel proud of those accomplishments but I don't. What I see is someone stuck in the same town, living in the house I grew up in, making half the money that my friends who went to school half the time do. I watch the people I went to high school with on facebook as they post about their ever changing lives and continue to feel as though they are doing so much while I am doing so little.
Some are now lawyers, military personal, nurses, doctors and one of my best friends whose modeling website I am currently building. They've all moved away and have built these lives for themselves that I cannot help but envy. I use to have such dreams and aspirations when I was a child, astronaut, model, actor, doctor, teacher, writer and so much more. I wonder now how many of these feelings are simply because of the various changes that are waiting on the horizon for me. I've eternally been "that girl", I live my life with the future in mind, I'm the responsible one who can't even let her hair down at a concert. I grew up being told to watch my behavior because other people would judge me and I would not like it. That is true I have that type of personality and I'm ok with that, but I envy those that can let their hair down and go for what they want out of life.
This blog is for me to give me an area to scream and cry and release all of those emotions that I bury deep inside because I don't want to upset the apple cart. I'm not sure what this year holds in store for me but I know in less than 12 months my twenties will be in my past and I will cease to be a young adult, instead I will just be an adult a transition for the future I am not so excited about.
No comments:
Post a Comment